ObiWan's encounter with a marysue
by NeonStargurl
Summary: Obi-Wan is on his way to do battle when suddenly he is attacked by a Gasp! MARY-SUE! Can anyone save him from the horror of bad writing?


"Hello", said a voice behind Obi-Wan-Kenobi. It was sultry and sweet and sounded like the sweetest of wind chimes singing sweetly on the brightest summer's day.

He turned around. Standing behind him was a pretty girl.  
A _**very**_ pretty girl.  
Beautiful, in fact.

She had long glossy raven-black hair with electric-pink streaks that fell below her waist. She stood at the most up to his shoulder. She had shimmering bluer-than-the-sky-eyes and glowing golden-orange-chesnut skin that was smoother than the water-s surface and clear as the night sky. Her face was unbelievably flawless and her teeth were perfect and sparkling so white it made his eyes hurt. Her lips were full and perfect-pink. She was petite and tiny, yet her bosom was full and womanly and she had long curvy legs. Her waist was almost nonexistent in slenderness.  
She wore a baby-blue tank top with a low neckline that showed a lot of cleavage and ended above her perfect navel and she wore short-shorts that showed her legs to their full skanky potential. She had ankle combat boots and gloves and a neon-purple lightsaber and big-yet-fitting goggles.

"Hello", replied Obi-Wan, staring blankly at her perfection, dazzled by her….um…..perfection.

She suddenly unexpectedly smiled a smile that made the sunlight around them seem dim in comparison.

"OMG THIS IS SO KAWAII!!!!!!" She screamed shockingly loud.

"….May I help you in some way, Ma'm?-" Obi-Wan whispered, unable to hear correctly after being deafened by the intolerable high screech-

"Oh don't be so silly, silly," she giggled, in a relatively human pitch, to his relief, "You know who I am…don't you?'

Obi-Wan was a bit confused now, not to mention deaf and more than a little intoxicated by the mystery-girl's wonderful perfume….

"I-I'm afraid I don't know what you are speaking of-"

"I'm your new PADAWAN!!!!"

She jumped up and down with excitement, apparently expecting Obi-Wan to be thrilled by this piece of news.

Obi-Wan forgot how to function for a second.

Seeing him gaze at her blankly, the buxom girl huffed impatiently, her star-filled blue eyes flashing with irritation, her perfect shiny pink lips trembling slightly.

She placed her hands on her more-than-generous hips and said matter-of-factly,  
" Master Yoda sent me. It's destiny! WE are destiny! I am the best jedi that has ever lived! My lightsaber skills are legendary, even better than yours or Skywalker, or master Yoda! I can fly, too! And I sneeze sparkles! And I can speak every language known to anyone! And some that aren't! And, my hair can grow and strangle people prettily and I can use the Force like it's nothing! I can do anything, I know everything, I am the best in the world, and the prettiest, too!  
And, even though I'm only sixteen, I feel conflicted because I'm supposed to be your love interest even though you are at least thirteen years older than me! I'VE LOVED YOU ALL MY LIFE!!! MARRY ME!!!!"

She clasped her hands in front of her and looked at him supplicantly, eyes shining, a hopeful smile on her lovely face, balanced on the tips of her toes.

Obi-Wan noticed that during her amorous and high-pitched speech she had slowly but surely inched closer and closer to him.

She was very close to him now.

Her perfume of heaven-scents was swirling all around him.  
He couldn't think. He couldn't breathe.

And she was SO beautiful.

"Uh…I….uhhhhh….."

She smiled hopefully, eyes glimmering.

His willpower broke.

He smiled back, about to about to accept when suddenly-

"OH NO YOU DON'T, SKANK!!!!!!"

Out of nowhere, a bright purple vortex had opened quite suddenly right behind the beautiful girl who claimed to be his love interest.

Out of this spontaneous portal jumped another teenage girl, about fifteen, though not nearly as beautiful as the love-struck goddess before him.

She had long, straight brown hair down to her waist. It was thick, but very dull. It had no shine to it. She had ordinary hazel eyes that were blazing with enraged fire. Her face might have been called pretty, but it was pale and pointy, with prominent cheekbones. Her body was nothing voluptuous, rather, she was bony and lankily skinny, of ordinary height, and her breasts were a little smaller than average.  
She wore a well-fitting brown tank-top that showed no cleavage(if she had any) and a pair of dark jeans with numerous rips and holes. She wore black combat boots with spikes and had dozens of studded or metallic bets slung about her waist.

Hung around her shoulders was a large, dangerous-looking metal guitar with needles sticking out of the handle. How this girl was able to support the weight of such a big, heavy instrument was beyond him.  
Lastly, the girl had a strange copper badge pinned onto her top with an insignia that Obi-wan did not recognize.

The girl glared daggers at his beauty, hands on her skinny hips.

"I am Sergeant Roxanne from the Organization of Mary-sue Pest control, Department of Patented Character Molestation Patrol, and you are under arrest for breaching the Writer's Code!"

The beauty blinked innocently and assumed a pitiful pose, tears bubbling in her sky-colored eyes. Her plump lips trembled pathetically.

"B-but…what did I ever do to you? Y-you're s-so MEAN!!"

She buried her glorious face in her princess hands and wept tragically.

Obi-wan, unable to watch her sob so, leaned forward to comfort.  
"Stop. Seriously, don't." Said the punk girl, flinging her bony arm in front of him. "Watch."

She stepped in front of the beauty, leaning over her. She poked her. "Nice acting, too bad no one's buying!"

"He is", the beauty sniffled, wiping her well-rehearsed tears off her beautifully beautiful face…(okay, I'll shut up now.)

"Not for long" said Sergeant Roxanne, and turned to Obi-wan-kenobi, who was still standing in a daze of OMG TRUUUUUU LLLLLLUUUUUUUUUUVVVV!!!11!!!

(Sorry about that, I just had to say it.)

Roxanne placed her hands on the dazed jedi, looking deeply into his eyes. "C'mon, Kenobi, the fans who actually have brains are counting on you! Don't fall for her cheap, overdone, skanky charms! Look deep inside yourself and SNAP OUT OF IT!!!! Don't fall prey to the terrible, grammatically-challenged oc fanfic authors! C'MON!!! USE THE FORCE!"

The Force? He remembered that. Something about clones and a war? Something blue and glowing that made a 'vmmm vmmm' sound…

Suddenly he remembered himself! He was Obi-wan Kenobi, jedi master, teacher of Anakin Skywalker, padawan of master Qui-Gon-Jinn!

He looked in horror and disgust at the mary-sue before him. How could he have fallen for the tricks of a _sixteen-year-old _so-called jedi master slut??

"Oh, Force, what did I almost do???" He moaned, burying his face in his hands.

"It's okay", Roxanne said cheerfully, patting him on the back, "It's not your fault. You were the victim here. It's the fanfiction, not you."  
"And now", she continued, glaring daggers at the whimpering mary-sue, "It's time to take care of this bag of glittery crap here."

The mary-sue stuck out her lip defiantly. "This is soooooooo unfair!! You can't judge me!! I've got rights! And I'm NOT a Mary-sue, so there!!"

She crossed her arms and dug in her heels stubbornly.

Roxanne contemplated her for a moment. "Okay. So you're not a Mary-sue. My mistake, sorry. I'll just go on my merry way, then, and leave you with your future husband."

Obi-wan looked at her in horror. She wouldn't leave him, would she?

The mary-sue perked up instantaneously, all smiles and magic sunshine.

"But before I go", Roxanne said calmly, "Can I at least have your name?"

The mary-sue hopped in glee.

"Absolutely!! My name is Layla Odelia Bella Cullen Harmony Serenity Aphrodite Jazmin Rosella Silvermoon Arwen Melody Crystal Granger-"

"Thanks!"  
Roxanne shrugged off her deadly spiked guitar, swung it over her head and brought it down like a metal hammer right on the mary-sue.  
The Sue exploded spontaneously into sparkly rainbow silver dust that glittered and smelled of roses and lilies and sweet-smelling toxic gas that terrorists use.

As she died, the Sue screamed once, her voice like the call of a swan. "AAAAAggghhhhhhhhh…Obi-wan…my looooooove…."

Then, all that was left was the sparkly junk, which Roxanne bottled up in a plastic container labeled "Danger! Bad writing! Do not open without protection!"

Obi-Wan sighed in relief. He turned to Roxanne, who was putting the bottle in her pocket.

"How can I ever thank you for saving me, young one?" he asked weakly, shaking her hand.

"Just keep being Obi-wan and DON'T fall for any teenage fangirls. Oh, and when Skywalker goes Dark side and the Jedi is lost, can you please kick his ass for me? I can't directly interfere with original plotlines, otherwise I'd do it myself."

"What?" He asked.

"Ah, forget I said that. You'd better head on over to the battle in the Outer Rim, Ahsoka needs you."

She looked at her wristwatch, which was blinking wildly.

"Oops! Gotta go, there's a massive fangirl attack in the Harry Potter universe; the fans found out where Professer Snape lives and they've got him surrounded! Toodles!!"

And with that, Sergeant Roxanne of the Mary-Sue pest control organization ripped open a glowing green portal out of thin air with her metal guitar and in a flash was gone.

Obi-wan blinked and looked around, confused with his surroundings. Then suddenly he remembered that he was needed on the Outer Rim and raced off to his speeder, glitter floating in a trail behind him.


End file.
